Introduction

So where should I start?

I was born...

Just kidding, I'm not going back that far. But I was born.

I guess I should do a little schpeel on my life so far so you folks can get to know me, even though I don't know whom it is I am addressing. Anyone interested I guess.


I'll start with what is most important to me. God is the stronghold of my life, yeah sounds cheesy doesn't it, but really He is. It wasn't always that way, In middle school I struggled with my faith. I wanted proof. I had so many questions. He was always there, but off to the side. I was cradle raised Catholic, and I've gone to church every Sunday, but it wasn't by my own will. I dreaded Sunday, I knew what it meant. What a waste of two hours. (Including getting ready, the mass itself, and getting home) I'd sit in the pews day-dreaming never really listening to anything. I went through the motions but my heart and mind were never there. I'm usually never a bored person, I can sit absolutely still for an hour and let my mind think. I think alot. So who's this "God" and really what part does he play in my life? I kind of always knew God was there but that was about it. All throughout middle school I changed, I wasn't the shy quiet girl in the corner of the classroom anymore. I was loud, obnoxious, and I had alot of friends. I had fun, middleschool was good right? For a time it was, but something was missing. But what? I had friends, I had family, I had boyfriends I did sports, I got straight A's, so what was the problem? Nearing the end of 8th grade I didn't know what I wanted anymore, I'd slap on a smile in the morning go to school fool around and have a grand time. Soccer was great, I'd be tired when I got home, I didn't have much time to think. With the end of middle school came the excitement for starting high school, it could only get better. My mother forced me to attend the last few weeks of the "Life Teen" program which was after mass on Sunday. Gah! I was afraid of all those huggy spiritual people that got up around the Altar during mass. I told her I'd do it next year. Nope I went, and I sat at a table with people I didn't know. Katie Feirst asked me, "Do you want to be here?" and I honestly replied, "I don't know." She told me it was ok, just be open and whatnot, I was like, suuuure. The program ended and it was summer. Still during the summer I hung out with friends, went to a summer camp, had fun. Summer was cool. When school started to did Life Teen. Let me tell you, it was scary. I didn't know anybody! Sure people were nice, but heck they were something like "Jesus Freaks" right? So I went to all the Life Nights, it was ok, but what really changed me was the first fall retreat. We went up to Camp Arnolds on Friday night and stayed until Sunday afternoon. It was incredible, I met new people all somewhere different on their jounrey towards Christ. We learned things, talked about things, and I found myself discovering something new about myself. I think we talked about wearing masks that first retreat (if not the first retreat some other one) and I had to admit I was doing just that. If I wasn't smiling or acting all crazy at school my friends would ask me, "What's wrong?" It was like I was expected to act a certain way and I did. Adoration ceases to make me cry. There's just a feeling you can't explain that floods your body and you know God is present. Excuse my language, but holy crap! I've never felt that way before, and the way you feel, spiritually physically, is undescribable. I would try but I would fail miserably. I only wish I could make other feel what I did, but I can't. Once you feel it you can't ever go back. Just watching the kids so filled with this something makes you yearn for what they have, and I found it. The Seniors that year were amazing they'd give these talks that stirred something within, touched me somehow. Sure I still struggle, there is pain in this journey towards Christ, there are barriers, it's hard. The depression I wasn't sure I had faded with the seed of faith being planted in me. I knew then I had to so something to draw closer, my doubts withered away. Of course they reoccur, rarely now, but still I'm human and the questioning part of my humanity may never leave. I was changed, and I continued to change all through that year. My freshman year was one of growth and learning.
That summer I went on the mexico Mission trip in Jaurez. Let me tell you, I will never forget having to drive down for three days in Vans full of other teens. It wasn't the fact we played Uno all the time, or held a carnival for the poor children, it was the prayer and the act of helping those in need that further increased my faith. These poor people were like my mother's family back home in the Phillipines. The events of that week were incredible, I would like to go back next year. Again the people on that trip were so wonderful, Tuan, Chelsea, Nick, Devin, Stephanie, Molly, Angela, Josh, Erin, Selena, and everyone else. The four days drive back consisted of good stuff too, swimming in Cor De Lane, sleeping outside in the open at Bob's brother's house. Fun.

I think it's appropriate to add a little graph to represent the growth in my faith :P



(Of course that's just a mean graph, so it's ok, it's not necessarily steady but there is constant growth.)

So there was alot of growth Freshman year, sophmore year was kind of standstill I had another 'bout of confusion and depression in the winter. (winter's not a good time for me, my emotions are affected by the weather) The summer after sophmore year was wonderful as well. I saw a "Man of God" whom I never had before in this one silly boy. And I fell in love with him I think. I've known him for over 6 years but I never liked him like that but I saw something that summer. It was the first time I felt I could stay with someone when I was with him, and the first time I felt heartbreak. All previous relationships were nothing, after a month I'd want to feel free again, it was binding to be with someone. Relationships were silly, a waste of time, momentary and temporary. I've always felt that why waste time "dating" if you could never see yourself married to that person. Then I thought, well why not get to know some people before I judge that. Now I don't know what I want. I won't go back to frivilous relationships, but I long to meet that "Man of God" or something like that, someone who CAN talk to me and likes me for me as I like him for him. Faithwise, this year is ok, still there hasn't been another BIG event that has caused a growth spurt. I'm settled in complacency for the moment and I know that.

Now I'm at that point between the winter and the spring, the sadness and the rush of excitement. There are things I wish I could have but can't (I'm not talking materialistically) and there are so many things I have to look forward too. I should probably turn to God more, and pray more often, but I'm more of a thanker, I'm in awe of His creations and in thanks for His blessings but I'm not much of an asker. I thought about that recently, even if I don't pray for myself, shouldn't I pray for others? What do I know?

Basically that's a rough summary of my life these past few years, the only years that really matter since I've found God and all years before that were without him. Of course I still remember elementary school, I loved the teachers and the experience itself. Here I am in my life, a daughter of Christ lost amidst the confusion of the world, The Masquerade that is my life.