Confirmation Retreat

That's where I've been since Friday. Overall it was pretty good, I mean not as good and effective as some other retreats, but still good.

The surprise was the "affirmations" I had no idea we were to recieve a packet of letters people had written to us. It was moving to a degree, but my mind and heart were only half there. Of course I cried, I usually always cry during adoration, and especially since all that Saturday morning I had had a hard time controlling my tears just during small group. I'm such a crybaby sometimes. I kind of wish more people were moved and because of the power of adoration, not the affirmations and the poloncas. I also wish my siblings would have written something, but they didn't so oh well. Not to mention I got a few letters from my mother's friends I don't even know...

So me and Megan were not allowed to get up early morning (2-4 am) to do our prank... so it kind of flopped. We were going to...

. Duct-tape rulers to the stairs covered in saran wrap and pour Jell-O into the mold/basin thing.
. Tie rope between the two bottom doors that opened downwards
. Completely post-it-note the hall ways
. Streamers
. Honey on the door handles

BUT we were only allowed out of our rooms at 7 am and some of the boys were already awake so that kind of ruined everything. Not to mention we had no time or anything, blah! We had to make the Jell-O ahead of time and ended up just setting it in front of their doors, the rope between the doors broke, we put honey on Saran wrap on the stairs that seeped through, and the streamers and post-it-notes ended up being thrown back at us.

Mission Jell-O, 63% success.

Me & Megan will get 'em next time.

The whole time I was dying to tell this one person something while being able to get to know him, but let me tell you I was quite nervous and someone else was trying to get close to him as well. Actually it seems quite humorous. Well so I backed off and let her attatch herself to him. He's a cool guy, I'm attracted and I'd like to get to know him but it's not some childish crush... I'm so sick of childish games I'm desperate for something real. So it might seem ironic when I say that I couldn't find the time/strength to tell him in person and wrote a note. (How sixth grade like!) Haha... oh well. It's really odd, he's not the kind of guy I usualy fall for. I mean he's amazing, but I fall for rock/alternative athletic boys who are not altogether their own powerful individual, but this guy, although a runner (all the guy's i've been with or thought attractive are athletic, and 95% of them were runners) is so real, he's collected and for the most part he's aware of his own prowess. Not to mention I could probably hold intelligible conversation with him, unlike most guys. Usually I'm too nervous too open up, or they are but I feel like I could be able to. (Except for the fact I didn't want everyone to know I was attracted to him so I felt like I couldn't just approach him, especially since the other girl was always around)

Are we competing? Haha I don't see it that way, she came up to me and asked me if I was going to make a move, and when I said I was probably going to tell him I found him attractive and wanted to get to know him better, she then said something about him being fair game then. That to me sounded a little immature and treating it like a... well game. It's not, after all she is still very childlike in many ways. I can't say I'm more or less mature than she, but the way she followed him and such was very middle-school girl like. (Which makes me feel even more stupid for having to confront him through a note! Gah!) Hey, I'm not going to tell him who he should or should not like. I'm not going to become jealous of her I'm not in control, God is. C'est la vie.

Now i'm kind of nervous I'm having to go back to church and face him... I'm always afraid when I put myself on the line, why? Because I think I biggest fear is being hurt. I'm very sensitive to the pain of losing a loved one so I try not to love anyone too much so I can easily let go. I hold myself back from ever getting too close to anyone, I couldn't stand to see them get hurt, or for them to hurt me.

It's too bad love holds both the strongest joy and the strongest pain.