So I had a fairly stressful day, first I got up at 5:40 am, took a shower and got dressed. My sister missed the bus and I told my mom I had no time to drop her, but then Charlton, my brother, reminded me I didn't have to be at school until 10. So I dropped him off then dropped the 'lil sister at the middle school. Then I worked for a bit at my mother's business house place, then drove to the Capitol Building and St. Michael's Church, two of my favorite places. It was raining and at first I was like darn! No tennis match.. then I was like, no tennis match! Yay, now I can study for spanish.
Well no... then I forgot about my precal homework so am late on two days of work now (I don't like trig. identities very much) and ended up going to the Valley Athletic Club for tennis practice for an hour. Throughout the whole day I was trying to find a way to spend time with that guy from the retreat. I get home from tennis, first call Molly Gallagher for Janina's last name or phone # but she doesn't know who she is. So then I ask her for the guy's number, and she sounds suspicious but doesn't know it either. She gives me Jamies so I call him up. He first apologizes for ruining me and Megan's prank on Saturday and gives us a brand new idea, which is awesome and I can't wait to pull it off, a personal thanks to Jamie. So I'm not going to ask Jamie for this guy's number because he would definetly start asking questions so I ask for Janina's last name and phone number. I call Janina and ask for the guy's number. Sounds harmless, he's in my confirmation group.
Then I suck in my breath and call him. No one answers the first time around, and the answering machine which said, "You've reached the C-oo-pers." made me laugh. The way he had said Coopers was funny. I try again and his little sister answers. She calls to him, and then there is at least a two minute silence...
We exchange awkward "Hellos" and "Hi"s.
Then the rest follows much easier, etc.
So hopefully tomorrow I get to spend some quality time with him? That will be nice, I really want to get to know him.
I'm excited for tomorrow.
March 19, 2007
March 18, 2007
Confirmation Retreat
That's where I've been since Friday. Overall it was pretty good, I mean not as good and effective as some other retreats, but still good.
The surprise was the "affirmations" I had no idea we were to recieve a packet of letters people had written to us. It was moving to a degree, but my mind and heart were only half there. Of course I cried, I usually always cry during adoration, and especially since all that Saturday morning I had had a hard time controlling my tears just during small group. I'm such a crybaby sometimes. I kind of wish more people were moved and because of the power of adoration, not the affirmations and the poloncas. I also wish my siblings would have written something, but they didn't so oh well. Not to mention I got a few letters from my mother's friends I don't even know...
So me and Megan were not allowed to get up early morning (2-4 am) to do our prank... so it kind of flopped. We were going to...
. Duct-tape rulers to the stairs covered in saran wrap and pour Jell-O into the mold/basin thing.
. Tie rope between the two bottom doors that opened downwards
. Completely post-it-note the hall ways
. Streamers
. Honey on the door handles
BUT we were only allowed out of our rooms at 7 am and some of the boys were already awake so that kind of ruined everything. Not to mention we had no time or anything, blah! We had to make the Jell-O ahead of time and ended up just setting it in front of their doors, the rope between the doors broke, we put honey on Saran wrap on the stairs that seeped through, and the streamers and post-it-notes ended up being thrown back at us.
Mission Jell-O, 63% success.
Me & Megan will get 'em next time.
The whole time I was dying to tell this one person something while being able to get to know him, but let me tell you I was quite nervous and someone else was trying to get close to him as well. Actually it seems quite humorous. Well so I backed off and let her attatch herself to him. He's a cool guy, I'm attracted and I'd like to get to know him but it's not some childish crush... I'm so sick of childish games I'm desperate for something real. So it might seem ironic when I say that I couldn't find the time/strength to tell him in person and wrote a note. (How sixth grade like!) Haha... oh well. It's really odd, he's not the kind of guy I usualy fall for. I mean he's amazing, but I fall for rock/alternative athletic boys who are not altogether their own powerful individual, but this guy, although a runner (all the guy's i've been with or thought attractive are athletic, and 95% of them were runners) is so real, he's collected and for the most part he's aware of his own prowess. Not to mention I could probably hold intelligible conversation with him, unlike most guys. Usually I'm too nervous too open up, or they are but I feel like I could be able to. (Except for the fact I didn't want everyone to know I was attracted to him so I felt like I couldn't just approach him, especially since the other girl was always around)
Are we competing? Haha I don't see it that way, she came up to me and asked me if I was going to make a move, and when I said I was probably going to tell him I found him attractive and wanted to get to know him better, she then said something about him being fair game then. That to me sounded a little immature and treating it like a... well game. It's not, after all she is still very childlike in many ways. I can't say I'm more or less mature than she, but the way she followed him and such was very middle-school girl like. (Which makes me feel even more stupid for having to confront him through a note! Gah!) Hey, I'm not going to tell him who he should or should not like. I'm not going to become jealous of her I'm not in control, God is. C'est la vie.
Now i'm kind of nervous I'm having to go back to church and face him... I'm always afraid when I put myself on the line, why? Because I think I biggest fear is being hurt. I'm very sensitive to the pain of losing a loved one so I try not to love anyone too much so I can easily let go. I hold myself back from ever getting too close to anyone, I couldn't stand to see them get hurt, or for them to hurt me.
It's too bad love holds both the strongest joy and the strongest pain.
The surprise was the "affirmations" I had no idea we were to recieve a packet of letters people had written to us. It was moving to a degree, but my mind and heart were only half there. Of course I cried, I usually always cry during adoration, and especially since all that Saturday morning I had had a hard time controlling my tears just during small group. I'm such a crybaby sometimes. I kind of wish more people were moved and because of the power of adoration, not the affirmations and the poloncas. I also wish my siblings would have written something, but they didn't so oh well. Not to mention I got a few letters from my mother's friends I don't even know...
So me and Megan were not allowed to get up early morning (2-4 am) to do our prank... so it kind of flopped. We were going to...
. Duct-tape rulers to the stairs covered in saran wrap and pour Jell-O into the mold/basin thing.
. Tie rope between the two bottom doors that opened downwards
. Completely post-it-note the hall ways
. Streamers
. Honey on the door handles
BUT we were only allowed out of our rooms at 7 am and some of the boys were already awake so that kind of ruined everything. Not to mention we had no time or anything, blah! We had to make the Jell-O ahead of time and ended up just setting it in front of their doors, the rope between the doors broke, we put honey on Saran wrap on the stairs that seeped through, and the streamers and post-it-notes ended up being thrown back at us.
Mission Jell-O, 63% success.
Me & Megan will get 'em next time.
The whole time I was dying to tell this one person something while being able to get to know him, but let me tell you I was quite nervous and someone else was trying to get close to him as well. Actually it seems quite humorous. Well so I backed off and let her attatch herself to him. He's a cool guy, I'm attracted and I'd like to get to know him but it's not some childish crush... I'm so sick of childish games I'm desperate for something real. So it might seem ironic when I say that I couldn't find the time/strength to tell him in person and wrote a note. (How sixth grade like!) Haha... oh well. It's really odd, he's not the kind of guy I usualy fall for. I mean he's amazing, but I fall for rock/alternative athletic boys who are not altogether their own powerful individual, but this guy, although a runner (all the guy's i've been with or thought attractive are athletic, and 95% of them were runners) is so real, he's collected and for the most part he's aware of his own prowess. Not to mention I could probably hold intelligible conversation with him, unlike most guys. Usually I'm too nervous too open up, or they are but I feel like I could be able to. (Except for the fact I didn't want everyone to know I was attracted to him so I felt like I couldn't just approach him, especially since the other girl was always around)
Are we competing? Haha I don't see it that way, she came up to me and asked me if I was going to make a move, and when I said I was probably going to tell him I found him attractive and wanted to get to know him better, she then said something about him being fair game then. That to me sounded a little immature and treating it like a... well game. It's not, after all she is still very childlike in many ways. I can't say I'm more or less mature than she, but the way she followed him and such was very middle-school girl like. (Which makes me feel even more stupid for having to confront him through a note! Gah!) Hey, I'm not going to tell him who he should or should not like. I'm not going to become jealous of her I'm not in control, God is. C'est la vie.
Now i'm kind of nervous I'm having to go back to church and face him... I'm always afraid when I put myself on the line, why? Because I think I biggest fear is being hurt. I'm very sensitive to the pain of losing a loved one so I try not to love anyone too much so I can easily let go. I hold myself back from ever getting too close to anyone, I couldn't stand to see them get hurt, or for them to hurt me.
It's too bad love holds both the strongest joy and the strongest pain.
March 12, 2007
Sometimes you just do
So I had to give up my part as a "jungle animal" so I could stay on the tennis team. No more part in the play? No, I'm still painting the set and whatnot but I really wish I could sing in it :(
Oh well, I'm not going to give up tennis. Maybe if I had a lead role, but a jungle animal? Nah.
On the tennis courts and when I got home I really thought about something. You can't treat everyday like it's just another day. Really, it's not you will never be in that same position in time again. You are changed by what you did yesterday, what you do now, and you will be changed by what you do tomorrow. Ten years from now we won't be doing the same things, some things we do now we'll never do again. I'll never be a junior in high school again, I'll be an adult with a job and if God wills it, a family. I might never play tennis competitively, I might never wear these same clothes, and I might not listen to the same music when I get older. Change is inevitable and even if we feel like everything is monotonous and the same, time will move even if we refuse too. No two days are exactly the same, and if they were that would be called a standstill in time. If each day you got up at the exact same time, wore the exact same clothes, ate the exact same things, had the exact same conversations, and learned the exact same things, you wouldn't be living, you wouldn't be allowed to "grow up" or change. I'm going to meet new people, I'll lose old friends, I'm going to lose loved ones so I have to treat everyday with a special attitude, treat the people I know with respect, and smile. Who knows, perhaps the smile I give somebody will make their day? Each of us has a direct impact on those around us, even if you don't know anyone, your attitude could completely change someone's outlook.
Well enough fancy schmancy philisophical dribble. Yeah, high school boys suck. Why can't they grow up and be mature? Even if you think you know a good high school guy, he's still an absolute immature dork when it comes down to certain things. GRR! It's frustrating, I want to stick them in some sort of time machine microwave, set the maturity ahead 5 years and start.
Oh well.
I want something real but I know I HAVE to wait. It's ridiculous to think I can find something full of meaning at this age, so I'm going to have to wait until I'm in college and even after until I'm working in the community. There's so many people I haven't met. Patience is hard, good thing I've got alot of it. Still a part of me daydreams of that perfect guy that doesn't exist. I'm such a silly romanticist when it comes down to things. So silly.
Yet when I'm driving alone in my car with the window rolled down and good music playing I can't but feel so free, so happy to be alone. Especially in the spring, I love being able to run around and do anything. I feel strong, I don't need anybody... but still. It's weird having these two extreme feelings let me tell you. The parallelism, the juxtaposition, it would make my English teacher proud if I were to describe them, but I'll not droll on.
Yep, and now I'll just burn time between now and my Espanol class at SPSCC... with I think I'm failing.
Smile, God loves you.
When God is with me, who can stand against me?
Oh well, I'm not going to give up tennis. Maybe if I had a lead role, but a jungle animal? Nah.
On the tennis courts and when I got home I really thought about something. You can't treat everyday like it's just another day. Really, it's not you will never be in that same position in time again. You are changed by what you did yesterday, what you do now, and you will be changed by what you do tomorrow. Ten years from now we won't be doing the same things, some things we do now we'll never do again. I'll never be a junior in high school again, I'll be an adult with a job and if God wills it, a family. I might never play tennis competitively, I might never wear these same clothes, and I might not listen to the same music when I get older. Change is inevitable and even if we feel like everything is monotonous and the same, time will move even if we refuse too. No two days are exactly the same, and if they were that would be called a standstill in time. If each day you got up at the exact same time, wore the exact same clothes, ate the exact same things, had the exact same conversations, and learned the exact same things, you wouldn't be living, you wouldn't be allowed to "grow up" or change. I'm going to meet new people, I'll lose old friends, I'm going to lose loved ones so I have to treat everyday with a special attitude, treat the people I know with respect, and smile. Who knows, perhaps the smile I give somebody will make their day? Each of us has a direct impact on those around us, even if you don't know anyone, your attitude could completely change someone's outlook.
Well enough fancy schmancy philisophical dribble. Yeah, high school boys suck. Why can't they grow up and be mature? Even if you think you know a good high school guy, he's still an absolute immature dork when it comes down to certain things. GRR! It's frustrating, I want to stick them in some sort of time machine microwave, set the maturity ahead 5 years and start.
Oh well.
I want something real but I know I HAVE to wait. It's ridiculous to think I can find something full of meaning at this age, so I'm going to have to wait until I'm in college and even after until I'm working in the community. There's so many people I haven't met. Patience is hard, good thing I've got alot of it. Still a part of me daydreams of that perfect guy that doesn't exist. I'm such a silly romanticist when it comes down to things. So silly.
Yet when I'm driving alone in my car with the window rolled down and good music playing I can't but feel so free, so happy to be alone. Especially in the spring, I love being able to run around and do anything. I feel strong, I don't need anybody... but still. It's weird having these two extreme feelings let me tell you. The parallelism, the juxtaposition, it would make my English teacher proud if I were to describe them, but I'll not droll on.
Yep, and now I'll just burn time between now and my Espanol class at SPSCC... with I think I'm failing.
Smile, God loves you.
When God is with me, who can stand against me?
March 10, 2007
Introduction
So where should I start?
I was born...
Just kidding, I'm not going back that far. But I was born.
I guess I should do a little schpeel on my life so far so you folks can get to know me, even though I don't know whom it is I am addressing. Anyone interested I guess.
I'll start with what is most important to me. God is the stronghold of my life, yeah sounds cheesy doesn't it, but really He is. It wasn't always that way, In middle school I struggled with my faith. I wanted proof. I had so many questions. He was always there, but off to the side. I was cradle raised Catholic, and I've gone to church every Sunday, but it wasn't by my own will. I dreaded Sunday, I knew what it meant. What a waste of two hours. (Including getting ready, the mass itself, and getting home) I'd sit in the pews day-dreaming never really listening to anything. I went through the motions but my heart and mind were never there. I'm usually never a bored person, I can sit absolutely still for an hour and let my mind think. I think alot. So who's this "God" and really what part does he play in my life? I kind of always knew God was there but that was about it. All throughout middle school I changed, I wasn't the shy quiet girl in the corner of the classroom anymore. I was loud, obnoxious, and I had alot of friends. I had fun, middleschool was good right? For a time it was, but something was missing. But what? I had friends, I had family, I had boyfriends I did sports, I got straight A's, so what was the problem? Nearing the end of 8th grade I didn't know what I wanted anymore, I'd slap on a smile in the morning go to school fool around and have a grand time. Soccer was great, I'd be tired when I got home, I didn't have much time to think. With the end of middle school came the excitement for starting high school, it could only get better. My mother forced me to attend the last few weeks of the "Life Teen" program which was after mass on Sunday. Gah! I was afraid of all those huggy spiritual people that got up around the Altar during mass. I told her I'd do it next year. Nope I went, and I sat at a table with people I didn't know. Katie Feirst asked me, "Do you want to be here?" and I honestly replied, "I don't know." She told me it was ok, just be open and whatnot, I was like, suuuure. The program ended and it was summer. Still during the summer I hung out with friends, went to a summer camp, had fun. Summer was cool. When school started to did Life Teen. Let me tell you, it was scary. I didn't know anybody! Sure people were nice, but heck they were something like "Jesus Freaks" right? So I went to all the Life Nights, it was ok, but what really changed me was the first fall retreat. We went up to Camp Arnolds on Friday night and stayed until Sunday afternoon. It was incredible, I met new people all somewhere different on their jounrey towards Christ. We learned things, talked about things, and I found myself discovering something new about myself. I think we talked about wearing masks that first retreat (if not the first retreat some other one) and I had to admit I was doing just that. If I wasn't smiling or acting all crazy at school my friends would ask me, "What's wrong?" It was like I was expected to act a certain way and I did. Adoration ceases to make me cry. There's just a feeling you can't explain that floods your body and you know God is present. Excuse my language, but holy crap! I've never felt that way before, and the way you feel, spiritually physically, is undescribable. I would try but I would fail miserably. I only wish I could make other feel what I did, but I can't. Once you feel it you can't ever go back. Just watching the kids so filled with this something makes you yearn for what they have, and I found it. The Seniors that year were amazing they'd give these talks that stirred something within, touched me somehow. Sure I still struggle, there is pain in this journey towards Christ, there are barriers, it's hard. The depression I wasn't sure I had faded with the seed of faith being planted in me. I knew then I had to so something to draw closer, my doubts withered away. Of course they reoccur, rarely now, but still I'm human and the questioning part of my humanity may never leave. I was changed, and I continued to change all through that year. My freshman year was one of growth and learning.
That summer I went on the mexico Mission trip in Jaurez. Let me tell you, I will never forget having to drive down for three days in Vans full of other teens. It wasn't the fact we played Uno all the time, or held a carnival for the poor children, it was the prayer and the act of helping those in need that further increased my faith. These poor people were like my mother's family back home in the Phillipines. The events of that week were incredible, I would like to go back next year. Again the people on that trip were so wonderful, Tuan, Chelsea, Nick, Devin, Stephanie, Molly, Angela, Josh, Erin, Selena, and everyone else. The four days drive back consisted of good stuff too, swimming in Cor De Lane, sleeping outside in the open at Bob's brother's house. Fun.
I think it's appropriate to add a little graph to represent the growth in my faith :P
(Of course that's just a mean graph, so it's ok, it's not necessarily steady but there is constant growth.)
So there was alot of growth Freshman year, sophmore year was kind of standstill I had another 'bout of confusion and depression in the winter. (winter's not a good time for me, my emotions are affected by the weather) The summer after sophmore year was wonderful as well. I saw a "Man of God" whom I never had before in this one silly boy. And I fell in love with him I think. I've known him for over 6 years but I never liked him like that but I saw something that summer. It was the first time I felt I could stay with someone when I was with him, and the first time I felt heartbreak. All previous relationships were nothing, after a month I'd want to feel free again, it was binding to be with someone. Relationships were silly, a waste of time, momentary and temporary. I've always felt that why waste time "dating" if you could never see yourself married to that person. Then I thought, well why not get to know some people before I judge that. Now I don't know what I want. I won't go back to frivilous relationships, but I long to meet that "Man of God" or something like that, someone who CAN talk to me and likes me for me as I like him for him. Faithwise, this year is ok, still there hasn't been another BIG event that has caused a growth spurt. I'm settled in complacency for the moment and I know that.
Now I'm at that point between the winter and the spring, the sadness and the rush of excitement. There are things I wish I could have but can't (I'm not talking materialistically) and there are so many things I have to look forward too. I should probably turn to God more, and pray more often, but I'm more of a thanker, I'm in awe of His creations and in thanks for His blessings but I'm not much of an asker. I thought about that recently, even if I don't pray for myself, shouldn't I pray for others? What do I know?
Basically that's a rough summary of my life these past few years, the only years that really matter since I've found God and all years before that were without him. Of course I still remember elementary school, I loved the teachers and the experience itself. Here I am in my life, a daughter of Christ lost amidst the confusion of the world, The Masquerade that is my life.
I was born...
Just kidding, I'm not going back that far. But I was born.
I guess I should do a little schpeel on my life so far so you folks can get to know me, even though I don't know whom it is I am addressing. Anyone interested I guess.
I'll start with what is most important to me. God is the stronghold of my life, yeah sounds cheesy doesn't it, but really He is. It wasn't always that way, In middle school I struggled with my faith. I wanted proof. I had so many questions. He was always there, but off to the side. I was cradle raised Catholic, and I've gone to church every Sunday, but it wasn't by my own will. I dreaded Sunday, I knew what it meant. What a waste of two hours. (Including getting ready, the mass itself, and getting home) I'd sit in the pews day-dreaming never really listening to anything. I went through the motions but my heart and mind were never there. I'm usually never a bored person, I can sit absolutely still for an hour and let my mind think. I think alot. So who's this "God" and really what part does he play in my life? I kind of always knew God was there but that was about it. All throughout middle school I changed, I wasn't the shy quiet girl in the corner of the classroom anymore. I was loud, obnoxious, and I had alot of friends. I had fun, middleschool was good right? For a time it was, but something was missing. But what? I had friends, I had family, I had boyfriends I did sports, I got straight A's, so what was the problem? Nearing the end of 8th grade I didn't know what I wanted anymore, I'd slap on a smile in the morning go to school fool around and have a grand time. Soccer was great, I'd be tired when I got home, I didn't have much time to think. With the end of middle school came the excitement for starting high school, it could only get better. My mother forced me to attend the last few weeks of the "Life Teen" program which was after mass on Sunday. Gah! I was afraid of all those huggy spiritual people that got up around the Altar during mass. I told her I'd do it next year. Nope I went, and I sat at a table with people I didn't know. Katie Feirst asked me, "Do you want to be here?" and I honestly replied, "I don't know." She told me it was ok, just be open and whatnot, I was like, suuuure. The program ended and it was summer. Still during the summer I hung out with friends, went to a summer camp, had fun. Summer was cool. When school started to did Life Teen. Let me tell you, it was scary. I didn't know anybody! Sure people were nice, but heck they were something like "Jesus Freaks" right? So I went to all the Life Nights, it was ok, but what really changed me was the first fall retreat. We went up to Camp Arnolds on Friday night and stayed until Sunday afternoon. It was incredible, I met new people all somewhere different on their jounrey towards Christ. We learned things, talked about things, and I found myself discovering something new about myself. I think we talked about wearing masks that first retreat (if not the first retreat some other one) and I had to admit I was doing just that. If I wasn't smiling or acting all crazy at school my friends would ask me, "What's wrong?" It was like I was expected to act a certain way and I did. Adoration ceases to make me cry. There's just a feeling you can't explain that floods your body and you know God is present. Excuse my language, but holy crap! I've never felt that way before, and the way you feel, spiritually physically, is undescribable. I would try but I would fail miserably. I only wish I could make other feel what I did, but I can't. Once you feel it you can't ever go back. Just watching the kids so filled with this something makes you yearn for what they have, and I found it. The Seniors that year were amazing they'd give these talks that stirred something within, touched me somehow. Sure I still struggle, there is pain in this journey towards Christ, there are barriers, it's hard. The depression I wasn't sure I had faded with the seed of faith being planted in me. I knew then I had to so something to draw closer, my doubts withered away. Of course they reoccur, rarely now, but still I'm human and the questioning part of my humanity may never leave. I was changed, and I continued to change all through that year. My freshman year was one of growth and learning.
That summer I went on the mexico Mission trip in Jaurez. Let me tell you, I will never forget having to drive down for three days in Vans full of other teens. It wasn't the fact we played Uno all the time, or held a carnival for the poor children, it was the prayer and the act of helping those in need that further increased my faith. These poor people were like my mother's family back home in the Phillipines. The events of that week were incredible, I would like to go back next year. Again the people on that trip were so wonderful, Tuan, Chelsea, Nick, Devin, Stephanie, Molly, Angela, Josh, Erin, Selena, and everyone else. The four days drive back consisted of good stuff too, swimming in Cor De Lane, sleeping outside in the open at Bob's brother's house. Fun.
I think it's appropriate to add a little graph to represent the growth in my faith :P
(Of course that's just a mean graph, so it's ok, it's not necessarily steady but there is constant growth.)
So there was alot of growth Freshman year, sophmore year was kind of standstill I had another 'bout of confusion and depression in the winter. (winter's not a good time for me, my emotions are affected by the weather) The summer after sophmore year was wonderful as well. I saw a "Man of God" whom I never had before in this one silly boy. And I fell in love with him I think. I've known him for over 6 years but I never liked him like that but I saw something that summer. It was the first time I felt I could stay with someone when I was with him, and the first time I felt heartbreak. All previous relationships were nothing, after a month I'd want to feel free again, it was binding to be with someone. Relationships were silly, a waste of time, momentary and temporary. I've always felt that why waste time "dating" if you could never see yourself married to that person. Then I thought, well why not get to know some people before I judge that. Now I don't know what I want. I won't go back to frivilous relationships, but I long to meet that "Man of God" or something like that, someone who CAN talk to me and likes me for me as I like him for him. Faithwise, this year is ok, still there hasn't been another BIG event that has caused a growth spurt. I'm settled in complacency for the moment and I know that.
Now I'm at that point between the winter and the spring, the sadness and the rush of excitement. There are things I wish I could have but can't (I'm not talking materialistically) and there are so many things I have to look forward too. I should probably turn to God more, and pray more often, but I'm more of a thanker, I'm in awe of His creations and in thanks for His blessings but I'm not much of an asker. I thought about that recently, even if I don't pray for myself, shouldn't I pray for others? What do I know?
Basically that's a rough summary of my life these past few years, the only years that really matter since I've found God and all years before that were without him. Of course I still remember elementary school, I loved the teachers and the experience itself. Here I am in my life, a daughter of Christ lost amidst the confusion of the world, The Masquerade that is my life.
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